Memory lane night.
I can't write in xanga anymore
because I'm not really sure who I am writing to anymore.
Besides that fact that no one writes in these things or reads them anymore
I really don't know who I was ever writing to.

I've been watching old Alkaline Trio DVDs
and listening to Blue October
and singing a lot of Jefferson Airplane
and looking at old pictures
and it's just one of those nights.

And I think it's weird that it's the last week or two of high school
because I feel like I never went there.
I feel like I never belonged within those walls.
and i dont know how that makes me feel.

and I've been thinking about little things in life of which I don't know what will happen to them.
Like halloween....what happens to that?
Because I've definatly trick or treated every year of my life
and i'm not really sure when you're supposed to give that up.
and I dont really remember how to make friends, either.
like how'd we ever do that?
In pre-school I would literally ask people if they'd be my best friend.
This one time this girl said "no".
And basically the same friends have followed us from school to school until we find new ones...
so I've never been anywhere alone before.
And I know that all of my friends and me have worried about our little quirks...
and the fact that people might not accept them.

I dont even think this year happened yet.
I mean really...
I gained 6 friends
and lost one dog.
and that's about it
everything else was just sorta everything else.
Dependable and all.

so..this is weird.

 Dear summer,
hurry.
because i keep thinking you're here....

no more school no more no more.

spring break was real good.
everything's been real good.
I just want summer to make things extraa gooood.
plus...i am so so broke
i need a job
and some rollerblades.
IT'S CANOE WEATHER! finallllly we can take it out on the water after waiitng allll winter.

so everything's good.
I still miss Tyler every day.
that really threw me off....
it sorta makes me realize the difference between a house and a home.
a tiny piece of home is missing since he died.
its already been almost 3 weeks.
I miss him so so much.
After 14 years...he's not just a dog...
not at all.

but all is well

what an insightful xanga entry.....

Currently Listening Stars Too Small to Use By Okkervil River see related

My reactions to things suprise me.
But they;ve been good suprises....well, sorta bittersweet suprises....
like I've realized how much everything means to me....
When the play was cancelled tonight, it made me sad in a way i never would have thought.
I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel it. I hope Edith reaches people in a way she reached me....
and i realized how much this play does mean to me....
so Laura Roy and I stayed for an hour and a 1/2 sitting on the black box floor
talking about....a little bit of everything actually...
And Roy didn't bother me....
and it felt nice. To not want to go home. To enjoy their company quite a bit.

And then talking about college with Rachel.
Realizing that possibly saying Goodbye to Mich before camp this summer
could mean saying goodbye for college....could mean goodbye for months...
and tears were uncontrollable. Because I love them.
And wrapped up in Jessie's blanket
I want to keep them near me.
There was once a time, less than a couple years ago, when I thought Jew and my parents were the only people I'd be saying goodbye to before college....goodbyes that will be hard....
and that's not true anymore. At all. I love them.
But i have confidence in all of my friendships....and that's what's so awesome.
They've accepted me completely as who I am...even though we are nothing alike.

And getting messages from Jew...just little phone messages...just little times when we can actually reach each other through all of this shit we're busy with...
is like a mix between exciting letters from my long last penpal
and messages my mom leaves me when i'm away for a long time.
I like that. They make me smile.
Thus why I call her "mom"
and we manage to survive weeks without really talking, without seeing each other at all.
we just know we're still there. we always will be.

I guess it was just a good day...
I just really appreciate everyone I have.
Im trying to understand people better.
And, big breakthrough, im playing games in PE for the first time in my high school career.
Big day.
USually, i hate social interaction during physical activity...

I haven't felt lonely in such a long time.
Even when you're away....it's not as painful. I feel such a presence. I feel this warmth.
You truly are like my childhood blanket.
That amazing feeling that you and blankie alike give me
Just to touch the blanket is comfort....just to feel the texture on my fingers....
Some mornings, closing my door before school...I'll see my blankie sitting in my bed
and it's so hard to just walk away from it. It's comfort. Warmth. Peace.
You offer me all the same feelings.
And that wonderful connection to childhood.
I am 18 but whenever I fall asleep clutching my blankie...I'm 4 again...
same with you...
We can be any age we want to.
I can be anything I want to.
And blankie will be anything I  need it to be.
To cry to.
To tell secrets to before bed.
To use as shelter..my fort.
To make me happy at just the sight of it.
To put me to sleep with just the comfort of it in my arms.
To accompany me on adventures, no matter how tattered, torn, and dirty it may get.
To see every side of me...mainly the ugly ones.
And you have done all of that...and more....
you've trusted me to try and do the same.
and nothing's helped me grow more.
I have so much faith in us to overcome anything.
I finally see how the pain from the beginning of this year has made us grow so much.
There is nothing that would stop us from being best friends. There for each other.
Even when you're not here....I still find ways to talk to you...even just in my mind.

I dont know why all of this has been spewing out
ive felt all of it so strong.
im really happy about it.
i feel pretty...inspired.

big day.

Currently Listening Minstrel in the Gallery By Jethro Tull see related

Finishing a paper would be a lot easier if I could start it.
Getting better would be a lot easier if they would give me anti-biotics. And they did. But not for much longer. Pretty soon I'll be immune. This year has not been good for me.
So I went to Jewel with my mom. And bought chips, candy, veggie burgers, mac&cheese and shameless magazines. Because if that can't make me feel better than I don't know what can.
I love her.
I hate that college means no more sick-days with mom
talking about my worst boyfriend disasters on the way to the Dr.
I hate that next year when I say I feel "icky" no one will make me a special dinner.
I hate that I'll either have friends that think they are just too indie-cool to make fun of stupid magazines with me when I'm sick...or worse, they will actually enjoy the articles and make notes-to-self from them....
I love my parents. They're the best.

Break is over but I like to keep pretending it's still here.
I can't start this paper or any other homework for that matter.
I just want to listen to music all day today.

I recieved a pamphlet: 10 places of America's Wilderness Worth Visiting....and they did seem to be quite worth the visit. I picked out the most reachable ones....and thought of being there.....
it's mental activites such as that that help me shrug off how bored I am stuck at home writing a paper about something I have no passion for.
Planning out the vacations I know I wont take for years
but it's okay...it's more than okay.
And someday I will have that house on the dunes
with a swingset in the frontyard to watch the sunset from.
and maybe I wont...
but I sure as heck will sneak out to other people's swingsets in the middle of the night.

when I;m not in Michigan i can never figure out why I'm not.
how is it not paradise?
those nights in summer....
where people gather to the park or watch from their porches to hear the mo-town band play
where neighbors are dancing with each other
all the children create a massive play group and run around.
you can swim in the water at sunset....and it's warm....
people launch fireworks on the beach the weekend before the 4th.
Its....a community.
I don't know the feeling of a community here.
That's why it's not home sometimes.
I sat alone at a folk festival in Sawyer....ho-dunk Sawyer...
alone for 2 minutes and kids had already introduced themselves to me and invited me to join them.
i like that feeling.
plus....they have amazing music taste....

i had a good break.
just thought I'd close with that.
I like my friends a lot.

I dont like when everyone goes back,

but spring will come soon.
and it's okay.
I can't wait to use my canoe.
cant wait cant wait.
i love adventures. i love them so much.
spending the day hiking the dunes and sledding back down them was a really nice adventure. im so glad we did it. i'm glad we went to the beach when it froze over and pretended to explore the tundra. i enjoy playing polar bear vs. a-bomb-and-a-bowl snowman....i enjoy playing altogether. life is really good when we play. life is really good all the time.

2 hours of "paper-time" just went to looking up homes for sale in Leland.
some days i just can't wait....

p.s. these are pictures from Jew's birthday if anyone that was there hasnt seem them yet
http://flickr.com/photos/22132815@N04/2133698295/in/set-72157603536087518/
You might wanna click the large size button thing...theyre sorta smal....

Dear Xanga.
I'm pretty sure I have nowhere to go for college.
Much love.
Your friend,
soon-to-be-hobo.

but most importantly

come to Rock for Rights on Saturday December 8
7:00pm
There will be local bands
petitions / letters to sign on current human rights issues
we'll be raising money to send to Amnesty that will go to human rights issues
and there will be pizza. Lots of it.
and probably vegan cookies.
so come.
it's probably the best way you'll spend your saturday
...that is if you have a heart.

that is all.

oh and Tartuff....probably the best thing ive ever read.